Wednesday, 24 April 2019

Thanks, But No Thanks.

Photo by Gemma Evans 

In my last post I spoke about being brave enough to dance to the beat of your own drum. Since then I have become more and more aware of the depths of my people pleasing and pacifying. I didn't realise how often I had actually been putting others before me. Sometimes at great costs to myself. Both financially and mentally. 

So, step by step, I began to say no. I also began to set more healthy boundaries where I saw the need for them.

But then a funny thing started happening.

People started getting upset and offended.

My whole reason for people pleasing and pacifying was to prevent potential conflicts. The root of which was fear...fear of said conflicts and of being disliked. I also wanted to be the best friend/person I could be. But here's the thing...

If we people please and pacify, we are not being our true self with those people. If we're our true self with them by saying, respectfully, no and protect our boundaries, yet they get upset, the fault lies not with us...

...the fault lies with the other person.

They may interpret your sudden change as you being cold or indifferent. But this only goes to show just how much you were working at pleasing them. 

Why are no's and boundaries seen as negative? Think about it..even a stop sign might seem like a negative image. But it's actually there to save your life. Some of us groan at having to stop at a red light. But it's only red to prevent an accident from happening. Red is seen as an angry colour. It's not. Red is used in nature as a healthy warning. (It's also a passionate colour). If we purposefully ignore the stop signs, the red lights, the warnings in nature, we face potential death.

We need to learn to have a positive and respectful mindset around the reds in life. 

Set Yourself Free

Once we begin saying no and setting healthy boundaries, yes, those people using you will leave, but new people, people who like you for being you, who respect your no's and your boundaries, will come into your life. You will start building up a healthier circle of friendships. Your life will change. 

You will have begun the process of setting yourself true self free! People becoming offended and leaving may really hurt, but the new opportunities and new people that will come into your life, will really ease that pain and heal the wounds made by those who used you for their own gain. 

People pleasing and not setting boundaries is to put the very essence of who you truly are in a cage. The world needs the real you. Set yourself free.

Ways To Recognize You People Please or Need boundaries

  • You sugar coat any no's or boundaries with emojis and/or apologise or anything that will pacify that person. Sugar coating is almost always fear based. If you have to sugar coat a message to a friend, you need to question that friendship.
  • You say yes to things that you want to say no to. Such as going to a party you've been invited to but would rather stay at home.
  • Worried about what others will think of you, you taylor boundaries and answers, to fit them and not your own needs. For example, you give in to certain peer pressure within your circle of "friends". 
  • You're exhausted. You've stretched yourself too far for others'. 
  • You share the same faith and morals with a loved one, but deep down you disagree with them. 
  • Making choices based on your parents desires and not your own.
  • Staying in a group you want to leave. 

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