Monday, 14 January 2019

The Fear of Being Your Wild and Passionate Self

I bloomin knew this would be a blog post! Everything I feel deeply ends up being poured out into words. Like a dam about to burst, it's inevitable!

Yet, strong emotions and epithanies are so difficult to put into words. You want to do what you're feeling justice, because you know it's precious. Yet at the same time you don't want to put people to sleep. 🙄


The other day I woke up after a good night. That night was in fact a party for one, due to friends living so far away and moving to a new area, I've yet to meet new friends who embrace my eccentricities! It's a good job I like my own company, lol. 

This particular morning, however, something was different. I found myself thinking, as I usually do, 'Am I too much? Am I too open? Am I making a fool of myself? Should I hold back?'

This time however, a small, yet firm voice, replied. It said, 'Okay, it's time to stop this now. You are perfect and if anything, you need to start fully embracing who you are. Stop rejecting yourself' Yes, this voice reeled off all the cliches. Yet this time, they really struck a chord. Like the proverbial nine inch drop, from head to heart.

You get to a certain point in life, generally age related (sigh), where you recognise people pleasing is crippling you. It not only stops you from being who you know you're meant to be, but it prevents you from doing so many wonderful things in life. It stops you shining.

Shining requires vulnerability.

It requires facing fear.

To be fully you, for most people, requires superhuman bravery.

Most of my real life heros are those who are unashamedly themselves. They express their opinions, yet in humility, while inspiring others, yet have strong and very clearly defined boundaries. They're the epitome of free spirited.

So there I was, pondering this recurring theme of 'Being true to yourself'.

When something else came up and triggered something of a sleeping giant in me. "Sensible" me tried to convince it to go back to bed. Sleeping giant, aka passionate me, was having none of it! 

'Oh crap. Here we go'.

You see sensible me is a man made, culturally conditioned, fearful of rocking the boat, live by society's laws, both unspoken and spoken, fake me.

Real me used to scare me...

She is passionate. Wants to explore places(sometimes bare footed). Loves doing really silly things. Loves to have deep conversations, particularly at night, with a few drinks. Loves painting. Loves journaling. Loves prefixing things she likes with the word loves. Feels deeply. Finds people fascinating. Gets frustrated easily. Sometimes with said interesting people. Wants to go camping..

            with friends...

                       and a few drinks...

while stargazing.

I used to be that person fully. It got me into a lot of trouble.

When I was a toddler, I climbed out of the window to 'pop to the shops' to get my sister some sweets. I knew my way there and back too. I came home before the police had a chance to turn up. 🤣

I faced my fears, explored seriously creepy places and saw things I can't to this day explain. 

I almost died of dehydration exploring a mountain, when some guy saved me and those I was with.  

Yet, in time, this independant, wandering spirit, was slowly but surely suppressed by systems. 

School, parental and cultural.

Finding myself homeless, I ended up stuck in the rat race in order to play it safe and live by the system.

But I couldn't.

So I up and left EVERYTHING! My job. The house I owned. And the man I was engaged to.

The dream was to travel.

But life again didn't work out the way I planned.

I found love. Got married. Had a family.

But I also found myself living a life the way others wanted me to live it. I was in a religious system which frowned on things I was, at one time, very passionate about. I was living in an area that was crushing me.

Most of you know the story. I took a leap of faith and left that system, and began to pursue my dreams.

They began to come true last year and continue to unfold even now.

Which brings me back to the beginning of this post. 

For some reason, I find myself being reminded, prompted and warned, not to ever fall into that place of fear and conformity again. I've already been thinking a lot about the risk of slipping into complacency once your dreams come to pass. 

I feel that something big and something wonderful is about to happen, if I only learn to embrace and fully live my passionate, wild self, unashamedly. 

And again, this requires vulnerability, facing fear and being brave. 

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